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VictoriaST

I picked a hard road
I know it now
I see the black,
Intrenched streets

I picked a slippery
Place to tred
I can't recall why
Until I relize
I don't think
I'd care if I died

I mean I'm not depressed
I just don't bleive
I leave that big of a mess
I have friends they are all
Moving along
Life so bliss

She may be soon engadged
She has a lover close and true
He may even settle down, now
I have picked a road
Dark and Hopless

I don't want to be the hero
I don't want to chase this shadow
I do however need this life

I need to chase
I need the run
I never ever will miss
My one true knife
I have that one real slice

I picked a dark damp road
A place slow and filled so old
I understand through some harsh lesson
I picked road
Long
And
Lone

 
 
VictoriaST
12 July 2011 @ 10:47 pm
In all honesty
and what little modesty
I have discovered
and understood
that to find my way
is all well and good

but unfortunately
through this fear
and not just only one long
year

I have come to bear
a blinding mark
cold and shrew
I need no one not even
someone as
helpful as
you

I can walk away
in fact I probably will
much to everyone's dismay
I was taught to survive
how 'bout you?

maybe I won't thrive
but all will be better
if I see this through

It would fit if here I say
I hate myself and everything
else

but this is not true
even if has been so
I come to understand I reep what
I sew

Does that make me cold
or maybe just
a little to old
a little to gone
a little to far along

I want to say 
that you would hate me anyway
but the truth is you love me so
you would never just let go

So walking away doesn't hurt me
even it might hurt to this day
for the rest of my days

I am your bold daughter
whom your husband taught me to
survive even if that means
I will never thrive

I am your youngest care
and your oldest monster
who learned from you
my mother

I could never fear
for you have done the worst to me
by threatening
something I have discovered
I can no longer afford
the time it would take to care

Ever sound and ever still
I am and will always be
your daughter still




 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
VictoriaST
07 April 2011 @ 12:45 am
So to start off, I have to go back to the hospital for more exploratory tests. All of which I have to be put under for. I'm not a coward or a baby but when drugs give me bad enough nightmares I can't function oh and they last about 3 or 4 weeks after the fact that's when I'm not a happy camper. But sadly that's not the bad news, the bad news is the part where they told me I may no longer be aloud to train my martial arts: karate, kempo, bjj, mauy Thai, boxing, kick boxing, or eskrima ever again. As of right now I'm unspokenly forbidden from training. Not that I intend to listen, if they are or might take it away in a few weeks I'd rather train now and get sick then Live healthy and miserable. As is if they take my only love away I'm not sure what I'll do...

This is the top of the shit heap that's been handed to me, among other things my capstone has burned the fuck to high heaven, and I don't know whT the Fucj to do bout my "love life" it's just well the term "oh fuck me" come to mind and all this shit just sucks.

I don't want to whine anymore I'll sound to pathetic anyway thays all... I'm gonna go die see yeh bitchez
Music: Sixx: A.M. - Van Nuys

Posted via Vita
 
 
VictoriaST
02 April 2011 @ 12:28 am
I feel the creek the ache
The long lasted but not yet
A break

I have made myself of metal and stone
Things with me should only ache
Never break
Though I started to see
It's not quiet to be

After they slit me open
Piece by piece for
The 17th time
I realized I wish I remembered how
I used to cry

But then why?
Becuase I still
Feel the

Creek the ache
The long lasted but not yet
A break

But here it is it's what I see
The rust is showing the
Dirt is crawling
Everything is pain

I want to be numb again
To never feel like
There is a massive need
To tuck tail and run

In one year I aged ten
I feel the creek the ache
The long lasted but not yet
A break

Posted via Vita
 
 
VictoriaST
09 March 2011 @ 12:35 am
I think I'm dying. 

Before I continue any farther, I guess maybe I'll explain since no one ever reads here I guess I don't need it.  I have been walking through hell and really it's not flames smoke, and some red ass hole with horns. 

Hell is being buried alive by everything you love and everything you fear.  Some may know I've been trying to do everything be a good teacher (or learning to be) create a fully interactive exhibit, come in and be the best blond pain in the ass fighter, and be a good daughter, oh and finally keep my own self sane happy and well.  I am failing on all fronts.  I wish I could cry, but I'm not allowed that luxery.  

I feel like crying 
Honestly
I think I'm dying

I was sure I was drowning
Suffocated in everything
But now I know
I can't keep on going

Country songs, and rock songs
Don't help me
I have no bond

Most think I'm wrong
Strange to want to visit with people
who I have no real connection
everyone I know is skin deep

I show up
I fight
I am alone
They love fighting they love the thrill
I still am on the outside
me, by myself

Class just another word
for
gas: a lot of hot air
I wish I could go anywhere
but there

I am sick of no one understanding
No one comprehending
I can't bend, no further

Everyone counts the times
You screw up
Never the times
Screw ups are let go
I can't let go
I can't cry
I don't know if I can even
Wave
Good bye...

I dought things can get much worse
I know they could get better
But four months of hell
And everything looks
like a black sky
and iccey gray snow
does any of you know?



 
 
 
Current Mood: guiltyguilty
 
 
 
VictoriaST
07 March 2011 @ 12:44 am

In one year I aged ten

I don’t remember anything

From back then

 

The good old days?

We  had them?

I don’t remember

I missed even more

Then I did before

 

I checked the mirror this morning

Hallowed eyes

Sunken into pale skin

I’ve grown old

Grown dim

 

I open my mouth

The creature does the same

Yellow teeth show me

That in one year I aged ten

 

Never again, never again

For I have been

I have gone

There is no more song

It is all gone

 

 
 
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
 
 
VictoriaST
24 December 2010 @ 12:54 am
Well I would like to tell you that in the sixteen years I have learned allot. But you see I am sixteen,and short or learning that if you have the right skills anything catches death easy, and trust is hard, as well as comes at too high a price.  I have learned very little. 

I guess I’ll start where I can.  I was about twelve years of age.  Since my families  disaster befell me I stopped paying attention to the years.  I say I am sixteen but really I can’t tell you for sure. I come from a large city, called ‘NewPort Haeven.’  I loved it there, we had ships coming in every day and it was always fun to walk along the cliffs, there was always something to do.  Though for the most part my life was pretty calm, other than a hateful bastard of a father.  I’m thrilled I killed him.  Well Maybe not thrilled, but I don’t regret the disition.

Anyway, some time in late June my father murdered my mother, It probably wasn’t on accident  knowing him he just felt like it, or she didn’t cook something right, he was a a real monster.  I walked in on the scene.  He then came for me, my brother stepped in, he nearly killed my brother too. Though what happened to my brother Kokean a few years later, I kind of wished my father had broke his neck.

I can’t tell you much about what happened next, other than I met a Hell-Hound who killed my father devoured and his soul I passed out. When I came to the next morn’ the house looked like a which had cast a curs. The white and gray walls were covered in blood, bile, and waste.  The place looked like someone had thrown chunks of half rotten meat through the room, and preceded to let ravenous cats attack the house. I never sleep at night not becuase of what I did but because of how I did it, no one deserved what ever happened at that house. What ever happened.  I may not remember what happened what my Hound did, but I have nightmares about it every night,so instead I sleep near Kampai during the day in the bright sun, some times he travels while I sleep, caring me on his back as we go .  There are things of the dark and they don’t need teeth and fangs, to be monsters.

We left NPH, Kokean, my older brother of three years, and my new Hell-Hound Kampai.  He was the one I woke too the morning after.  I don’t know how I called him he just said <i>‘I heard you scream and I felt your pull.’ </i> What ever that means.  To this day he won’t tell me. We traveled for two years the three of us, my brother taught me how to survive and how not to take anyone by their word.  To survive we hunted, and were thieves.  We robbed many people, and killed a few more though in m defence they started it.  When I would have been 14 my brother was taken from me, he was gagged and bound.  Then sold, it was a slaver ship, the captain someone we had managed to piss off.  I never found my brother and I never looked that hard.  Being who I am, and what I am, people talk and a raven haired girl with a pony sized wolf, the captain would have know.  He would have killed my brother than me.  

I traveled for another year, I learned more about metal smithing. My talent is artificial limbs, I can make any limb joint or socket needed to mend wounds . I even trained with one, he taught me how to fight too.  Then he wanted something more than I was willing to give, ‘no’ wasn’t the answer he wanted.  I ended up killing him too.  No not Kampai. Me.  He’s another kill I don’t loose sleep over.  Besides the loot I got from him was well worth the price. 

I traveled for a  while longer, before I found that a ship was sailing to a land, that it was told there were great beasts, one with bodies of humans and animal, there was even a town.  <i>'You could settle there...We could be safe...’</i>  Those were Kampai’s words.  Safe didn't sound too bad to me either.  

I arrived in the nearest port and we traveled to what I know as Spires Hallow.  I am far more interested in the Taur, though killing us pleases them more, they are some of the few creatures I would not like to try my hand at, Kampai agrees with me.  We decided to stay in the small Village, its nice.  I even have my own little metal shop.  Though I wish to roam again, maybe some other time, some other day.        
 
 
VictoriaST
11 December 2010 @ 10:16 pm

 A quick sketch,

 

             

Read Collapse )

 

 
 
VictoriaST
11 December 2010 @ 09:47 pm

Swallow it down

 bitter and sweet

understand you'll never be in command

 let it go

let the wind begin to blow

give it all away

hope and gasoline

that's what I mean

just another broken swollen machine.

 
 
Current Music: The Kraken
 
 
VictoriaST
15 October 2010 @ 01:54 pm
Dump 1